The Step From Grief To Healing










When I was going through the darkest times of my life, friends added me to support groups.

Groups for:

✔️ Sibling loss
✔️ Birth trauma
✔️ NICU (neonatal intentisve care unit) support
✔️ Emotionally abusive relationships
✔️ Breaking the cycle with your own children
✔️ Losing a loved one to suicide
✔️ Losing a loved one to overdose
✔️ Losing a loved one to cancer

The lists of support groups carries on and on and no matter what anyone goes through, there is a support group for that.


My first thoughts about these groups is that I’m so glad they exist. My second thought is, how do we take the next step from these groups to move successfully through to healing?

I have lost a lot of people in my life.

Both of my parents are living and I do not have a relationship with either of them. One by my choice, one by theirs.

I struggle to maintain relationships with *most* people because of what I have been through.

I’m working on healing now, and do you know what I can’t do when I belong to groups like I’ve listed above?

I can’t heal.

When I was younger my room mate took his own life in our home. I don’t need to be reminded of this every time a new person joins the group and tells us their story.

Five months before my first room mate died, a childhood friend passed away after an overdose. I visited him in the hospital for a week and begged for him to open his eyes but he was gone. I don’t need to be reminded over and over again of something that happened HALF of my lifetime ago. I was eighteen exactly eighteen years ago.

And by the time I was 18 I had also experienced the death of my Great Grandpa, my Nanny (whom my daughter is named after), two childhood best friends, an aunt and many others.

Then, at 23, my brother died, and whatever loose fitting threads were holding my family together were unwound.

I was afraid to answer my phone, especially if it rang in the night.

I was afraid for Colin to be out late at night at band rehearsal because I couldn’t sleep if he wasn’t home and safe.

My fear of abandonment can still get the better of me at 36 years old. Especially when your own mother doesn’t love you - there are deeply rooted nurturing needs wrongly wired when you grow up in an environment starved for proper love from your own mother. Imagine the fear that could run wild through me as a mother to my own daughter now if i wasn’t doing incredible healing work.

And of course, my own trauma bringing this love of my life into the world. I suffered some very intense birth trauma at the hands of a medical professional whose job was to protect me and instead she assaulted me. Add to that a NICU stay after nearly losing my baby because of completely neglectful hospital staff.

My point is, my friends, I have been through more than I even want to think about.

Which is why these groups I’ve listed above, they’re not serving me anymore. And I know many of you in support groups for things you no longer need to be retraumatized by, instead you, too, are ready to turn the page and get back to living your life.

For five years after ending my relationship with my own mother things got much worse for me before they turned a corner and got better. Just because you leave a toxic environment doesn’t mean you’ve fixed the problems. There is important work to do - and that piece of the puzzle that was missing for me?

It didn’t exist. So I created it myself.

The Good Healing Habit.

For too many years I have been doing really ugly, messy, LONELY work by myself and sometimes that has caused more grief, which I do not need more of.

Healing from trauma is sometimes horribly painful. It’s true that we like to lick our wounds in private, but it is also true that when we come out to look around, it sure is relieving to be surrounded by a supportive, non-judgemental community there waiting to just sit with you.

Because when it comes time that a GRIEF group no longer serves its purpose of cameraderie about your loss or traumatic experience, the act of just being there can keep you stuck. Sad.

This new kind of group is the opposite! We offer opportunity to take actionable steps towards moving forward in your own life. The philosophy is that we are all able to live the extraordinary lives we dream of, but we can’t do that when we are stuck in perpetual states of grief and suffering. HEALING is possible for anyone, no matter the trauma or grief you’ve experienced, no matter the family you were born into and no matter the circumstances that have affected you.

The Good Healing Habit is about your future.

The Good Healing Habit is about today.

The Good Healing Habit is about YOU.

The Good Healing Habit is about who you have always been underneath all of those suits of armour you’ve been wearing.

Yikes, it’s heavy. The good news is that you put it all on, and you’ll be surprised that you know exactly how to take it all off again.

Join our community here: https://toniaandcolin.com/page/the-good-healing-habit

We have important work to do. 

With Purpose,

Tonia

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