The Comfort Zone Myth and How To Break Free From Fear

The Comfort Zone Myth and How To Break Free From Fear
Five years ago I started working on myself in a new way. I was reading a different kind of book - the ones that challenged me to step out of my comfort zone.

Interesting words.

Comfort zone. Some synonyms for comfort zone:

- fear of rejection
- fear of success
- excuses
- lack of confidence
- etc

Does any of that sound familiar to you? It was for me and it was exhausting, living in my “comfort” zone.

Five years ago I started reading some pretty motivational stories written by pretty inspirational people. Deep down I knew I had a lot of work to do to because I had lost myself in so much grief over so many years of loss and emotional abuse. I’d turned into someone I didn’t want to be and five years ago I made a few drastic decisions to choose better for myself.

My comfort zone was keeping me from my own responsibility to heal. It was also keeping me from being able to process deeply rooted emotions that I didn’t have any clue how to deal with back then. Anxiety attacks, insomnia and a lot of fear ruled my life. Something had to give because I couldn’t live this way anymore.

I recognized something that was pretty tough to admit. I was just lost without a purpose. Struggling to make sense of some serious and other not-so-serious symptoms of trauma, I read and I read and I read.

The irony here is that I started my Young Living business five years ago and I was actually reading these books because they were helping me with my fear of what people might think of me for wanting to better my life. I was reading books like You Are A Badass (you can find that fabulous book here —-> You Are A Badass Book) so I could overcome those fears - and what I did was so much more than that. At the beginning of each chapter there is a quote in the middle of the page. One of those quotes changed my life and kicked my healing journey into high gear. It was a time in my life where I was feeling immense pain both physically and emotionally. I was sick, sad, lost, angry, confused.

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past” - Lily Tomlin

Read that again.

I have lived by this quote and reminded myself of it almost daily ever since. It rocked my world, this one little line compacted with everything I needed to understand that healing meant letting go of being a victim of circumstance.

I am not alone.

Are you reading this and feeling like you’re on this same journey? Or parts of it?

You don’t have to go through a car accident or an abusive relationship to feel grief or to go through a traumatic experience.

You don’t have to live in your “comfort” zone in order to avoid the pain - AND ultimately avoid the joy.

It’s been five years since You Are A Badass landed in my lap and since then I’ve read a hundred books just like it. One of the reasons I’ll stress the importance of reading (or listening to podcasts - one of my favourites is Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations, or you can also check out online reading options like Audible) is that you take a break from the looping of your own inside voice. We all have that voice which constantly seems to be chattering away to us, and if you’re not sure what I’m talking about - you haven’t become aware of this tricky little voice yet.

Typically this voice is saying things over and over to keep you safe, except safe doesn’t always mean better. In this case, safe means “you’re right, you’re definitely not good enough to try that, you might hurt yourself” or “remember what happened last time we dated someone, you got your heart broken, so no, we are saying no to that date”. That little voice can be trained to say more positive things like, “oh heck yes we are risking our damn lives, we lived last time we jumped and look at where we are now. What does Mel Robbins say? 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 - GO!”

It’s risky business to start your healing journey because you don’t know what will be on the other side. It’s scary to say good bye to people because you don’t know what your life will look like without them or if you’re making the right choice.

Not making a choice is also... a choice.

Your comfort zone keeps you safe in a way that you don’t have to do anything new.

Your comfort zone can be the thing keeping you small, hurt, stuck, suffering, depressed.

I decided I wanted to live my extraordinary life and not be the girl whose brother died. Who is estranged from her mother. Whose dad disappeared. Whose roommate killed himself. Five years ago those things would have defined me.

Grief and trauma take hold of your life in ways that we sometimes don’t even realize. Those deeply rooted emotions that get stuck in our bodies can do a lot of harm to us physically and emotionally.

I’m so grateful to have The Good Healing Habit to commit my efforts to sharing and healing together as a community. If you’re doing this work and you’re feeling alone, this community is for you. If you are doing this work and you want community around you to keep you accountable, this community is for you.

I wish I didn’t have to go through my healing journey alone, and so if you feel that same way, I hope you’ll join us.

Join The Good Healing Habit

With Purpose,

Tonia

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The Step From Grief To Healing

The Step From Grief To Healing










When I was going through the darkest times of my life, friends added me to support groups.

Groups for:

✔️ Sibling loss
✔️ Birth trauma
✔️ NICU (neonatal intentisve care unit) support
✔️ Emotionally abusive relationships
✔️ Breaking the cycle with your own children
✔️ Losing a loved one to suicide
✔️ Losing a loved one to overdose
✔️ Losing a loved one to cancer

The lists of support groups carries on and on and no matter what anyone goes through, there is a support group for that.


My first thoughts about these groups is that I’m so glad they exist. My second thought is, how do we take the next step from these groups to move successfully through to healing?

I have lost a lot of people in my life.

Both of my parents are living and I do not have a relationship with either of them. One by my choice, one by theirs.

I struggle to maintain relationships with *most* people because of what I have been through.

I’m working on healing now, and do you know what I can’t do when I belong to groups like I’ve listed above?

I can’t heal.

When I was younger my room mate took his own life in our home. I don’t need to be reminded of this every time a new person joins the group and tells us their story.

Five months before my first room mate died, a childhood friend passed away after an overdose. I visited him in the hospital for a week and begged for him to open his eyes but he was gone. I don’t need to be reminded over and over again of something that happened HALF of my lifetime ago. I was eighteen exactly eighteen years ago.

And by the time I was 18 I had also experienced the death of my Great Grandpa, my Nanny (whom my daughter is named after), two childhood best friends, an aunt and many others.

Then, at 23, my brother died, and whatever loose fitting threads were holding my family together were unwound.

I was afraid to answer my phone, especially if it rang in the night.

I was afraid for Colin to be out late at night at band rehearsal because I couldn’t sleep if he wasn’t home and safe.

My fear of abandonment can still get the better of me at 36 years old. Especially when your own mother doesn’t love you - there are deeply rooted nurturing needs wrongly wired when you grow up in an environment starved for proper love from your own mother. Imagine the fear that could run wild through me as a mother to my own daughter now if i wasn’t doing incredible healing work.

And of course, my own trauma bringing this love of my life into the world. I suffered some very intense birth trauma at the hands of a medical professional whose job was to protect me and instead she assaulted me. Add to that a NICU stay after nearly losing my baby because of completely neglectful hospital staff.

My point is, my friends, I have been through more than I even want to think about.

Which is why these groups I’ve listed above, they’re not serving me anymore. And I know many of you in support groups for things you no longer need to be retraumatized by, instead you, too, are ready to turn the page and get back to living your life.

For five years after ending my relationship with my own mother things got much worse for me before they turned a corner and got better. Just because you leave a toxic environment doesn’t mean you’ve fixed the problems. There is important work to do - and that piece of the puzzle that was missing for me?

It didn’t exist. So I created it myself.

The Good Healing Habit.

For too many years I have been doing really ugly, messy, LONELY work by myself and sometimes that has caused more grief, which I do not need more of.

Healing from trauma is sometimes horribly painful. It’s true that we like to lick our wounds in private, but it is also true that when we come out to look around, it sure is relieving to be surrounded by a supportive, non-judgemental community there waiting to just sit with you.

Because when it comes time that a GRIEF group no longer serves its purpose of cameraderie about your loss or traumatic experience, the act of just being there can keep you stuck. Sad.

This new kind of group is the opposite! We offer opportunity to take actionable steps towards moving forward in your own life. The philosophy is that we are all able to live the extraordinary lives we dream of, but we can’t do that when we are stuck in perpetual states of grief and suffering. HEALING is possible for anyone, no matter the trauma or grief you’ve experienced, no matter the family you were born into and no matter the circumstances that have affected you.

The Good Healing Habit is about your future.

The Good Healing Habit is about today.

The Good Healing Habit is about YOU.

The Good Healing Habit is about who you have always been underneath all of those suits of armour you’ve been wearing.

Yikes, it’s heavy. The good news is that you put it all on, and you’ll be surprised that you know exactly how to take it all off again.

Join our community here: https://toniaandcolin.com/page/the-good-healing-habit

We have important work to do. 

With Purpose,

Tonia

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